Profit and loss

Four months have passed since I met her.

In the last month I saw myself being more and more jealous and possessive. Lacerated between the fear to lose her and the feeling that I was not entirely faithful to myself. I wanted to destroy everything so I could avoid the problem, but this seems so wrong. She’s everything I can ask from a woman and she’s here, ready to live everyday without expectations.

Yesterday we split for a while and this morning I realised something important.

I was not able to maintain my vision since the beginning.

Passions and possession are a source of suffering, everybody knows that.

What if portions of divine dwell into all human bodies? We are all made of stars in the end and in the beginning. What if  these infinite silent witnesses are all connected and can communicate with each other (how else do you explain cause and effect if not through a mutual dependence)?

What if the idea of being “A single person” is wrong?

From this perspective love and death appear completely under a different angle.

Can we be permanently separated from somebody we love (or we hate)? Should we be afraid of losing someone, even ourselves? There is no doubt that being indifferent to the loss of a partner, a close relative or a friend sounds not human, and even not right. But if we consider that things might be different, a new light lays on the field of relations.

What means”being with someone”?

If you agree with this vision of interdependence, when you talk to somebody you should refer to that divine part that is dwelling among the other crazy parts of his or her ensemble called personality.

In addition, this vision has to be protected and respected since the begining of a story. The temptations of different visions are always behind the corner. Adopting more common and “normal” visions seems easier in the beginning, but the outcome is a tragedy. Always.

I also got something else: we have to accept and respect the law of cause and effect.

This is not simply realising that a certain set of actions corresponds univocally to a certain scenario, but it’s about trusting the principle in it. It’s about understanding and comprehending that when something is given or taken, it’s because is necessary for us to grow. This hurts.

To which part of ourselves we choose to give the command?

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Two dreams

I had two interesting dreams in the last weeks. Both in a certain sense about death, which means great teachings about life.

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In the first one I felt like I had to leave overnight for a remote country and never go back. There was a feeling of letting everything I had, everyone I met, all the experiences – good and bad ones – drown in the past. It was in the same time reliefing and sad, but in that moment many things which seem so important right now will have no weigth at all.

In the second one I remember the movie “Ghost”. Accordingly to the Tibetan knowledge when we die we do not realise it immediately, it takes a while and when we finally get it we pass out. Only in that moment the Mind opens its gates and the reincarnation process begins – unless you recognise your own true nature and melt with it, this is called Liberation.

The experience of the spirit in the first days after death is similar to the story in Ghost. Like hungry ghosts, they say we try to communicate with living people without success, without managing to relief our thirst or hunger.

 

Working in

Path to liberation does not mean to free ourselves from external suffering, but to liberate our inner divinity from the contraddictions of our ignorance. We limit our own realisation and all we have to do is to polish our mind until the ineherent qualities of our nature will arise spontaneously. Nothing else

Another particular day

The more this is right, the more seems wrong. Isn’t this a paradox?

My problem has nothing to do not with worldly achievements (or maybe yes) – I think am in peace with that – but I cannot bear the subtle feeling of being stuck exactly where I should be. What is a human being? Is it an independent being? and if not what is the nature of its dependence with other beings?

If we consider man as an independent being we should have no problems living in solitude for long years and accept ourselves as we are. This goes against the experience of everyone. We have to deduct we depend on each other, we depend on everything takes a part of universe. The infinity complex of this network is simply inintelligible. When – and if – we get a glimpse of lucidity we see an infinitesimal portion of it.

So we are what we perceive and also what we don’t. That’s why we have to develop trust in the skilled methods which allow us to proceed through darkness, or better to proceed through the dazzling splendor of life as blind men.

If we have been doing good in the past lives we may have for a limited time what Buddhism defines as a “precious human body”, which means we have ALL the conditions to work profitably on the spiritual and energetic path. This is just a potential of course and doesn’t mean it will happen by itself, but it’s the result of an infinte work.

Infinite work, acceptance and rejoicing of good conditions, releasing suffering and the causes of suffering, renunciation. These are the highest goals for us and the scariest words, something close to what Freud defined as the “depressive state”. But is it depressive?

I have to say that since I dedicated a bigger portion of my life to the spiritual path I have some problems integrating it with “normal” life, resulting in a slight depression which some days seems overwelming.

I have a big house in a beautiful place, a project. In some kind of way a career through yoga and spirituality is opening in front of me. I should be happy as a dog with a bone, but I also feel alone (I do not have a partner) and a drop out. The more I grow and expand, the more difficult is for me to find someone.

Also impermanence and its realization is changing my vision of relationships. Now I think it takes a lot of strength and courage to establish a relationship (let’s say marry someone) when you know since the beginning that the more you will feel happy, the more you will suffer when it’s over. At this stage it’s not about being happy, it’s about the meaning of all this.

Life it’s not made to be happy (at least now), but it can be meaningful and constructive for all the sentient beings and for our future lives – this is something that most of the people cannot honestly claim, and not because they are worst than us, it’s just not their time yet, as is not for us the time to harvest the splendid and precious flower of enlightment.

We do not have to trust our thoughts so blindly, not either our emotions. They are not us, they just come and go as the clouds in the sky and the waves in the see. The children in me does not show appreciation for the priceless and skilled human body, he wants more and more and in this way he will permanently be deluded and frustrated.

Isn’t this the root cause of unhappiness? Isn’t this being uncompassionate with ourselves?

 

 

The tales of brave Ulyisses

Our trajectory is a universal parabola

there is nothing really bad with hanging out with Circe

or being attracted by the mermaids’ chant

(apart than seing your travel buddies going crazy and transformed in pigs)

if you can resist, if you rememeber that this is just a swamp where some good plants flourish

but the most is not

We, the swamp, Circe and the pigs

are the same energy, this is the secret (and this is not a secret)

Keys are everywhere, provided to us constantly, generously, but only karma defines the conditions for us to make them useful or not. Personal will, wisdom, knowledge, true commitment and devotion are the source of real power. But power to do what? This is the question we are named to answer.

This is the query of the Sphinx.

I see

Summer Spleen

My story with Andreja is vanished like a dream at dawn, this is the time of abandon. I knew this from long time ago but I feel bad.

Is this due to an unresolved paternalistic complex? Or is just I fear to be alone in this big house with my guests? I don’t know. I strive to keep my core solid, to be concentrated on what is happening or not happening right now (I guess she is doing the same). This is the point, is the struggle to carry on our own choices any meaninful in the context of spiritual growth?

Do we need to be alone to listen our deepest parts? What is the role of social life and community in all this? I smoke more tobacco than before. Ok, I am still a minor smoker, but the habit consolidates, the gesture still possesses me. Can we compromise with this?

I have to go down my way, I have to accept and assimilate the solitude of the existence as a natural condition, without distractions but also without eccessive rigidity. I am 35, and I often think to what a 35 should be; I can say I chose my way but it reveals a vene of sadness and depression that was hidden while being in a couple. Is this temporary? Whent it’s the two of us we tend to project on the other our flaws and bad habits, but when you are alone there is no more way to avoid the confrontation. Is this useful?

Walking, taking sun baths, reading this book on shamanism my Myrcea Eliade, cleaning the rooms for my guests, receiving visits, looking for the momentary confort and distraction of the family, doin asanas, meditating, cooking, being bored, going to the city for my Lama’s teachings, taking blessings, waiting, riding with my motorbike, sleeping alone, attending some concerts. This is my life, a privileged life. Life is life, it is not just fun or pain, everything is melt, sometimes I think that what really matters to me is to expand my comprehension to include all those parts I was not really aware of, like composing a puzzle. The funny thing is that instead of emerging a recognizable image, the image disappears, absorbed by our true nature, like the clouds leave room to an empty (although still sometimes not very clear) sky. Being there to me is like watching life like you watch a movie, you know that a certain point it will end and that it is just a metaphore. But is there a REAL life? I don’t think so, this is the life and we are the ones who have the power to make it meaningful. Ways are infinite, like the teachings. I  do not mean hope, hope is just another bad habit, but the tension of the internal figth is eternal and present.

Today while I was meditating – mornings are the hardest part of the day – I had an intuition on compassion: I felt that besides understanding what really means to be truthfully compassionate for someone else, we have to control the flow of bodhicitta like a valve controls the flow of the tap. We have to improve the ability to focus its energy on the the target, otherwise there is no meaning in developing bodhicitta.

Will another woman be the solution of this existential status? I doubt it. But what is life being alone. What company and sociality can satisfy our true and noblest need. I have to find out.

 

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Working Asanas

I just want to document my daily practice, I am still working on the first series but I am confident I will finish it (and for finishing I mean to reach a reasonable level of fluency and execution without choking) within one year from now. Today I managed to recite pretty good the whole two mantras without forgetting the words!

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Bloom Mindful Retreats

Many times has gone since my last post, so I would like to begin with this sentence.

Eeveryone has two lives, the second one begins when we realise we have just one.

I think my second life begun. I didn’t realised when but now it’s pretty clear it happened and this is great. I do not mean that now everything is easy, on the opposite it is as hard as before, but at least I can move one in a way that has a sense.

I had to put myself in a box and find a way out or die (spiritually).

I was doing a job I hated, and no time to pursue my real goals. I knew in which fields I could have my chances but I was seated at my desk for the whole day. How to realise my purposes? Which those purposes were?

I had a huge experience in sport and a strong interest in meditation but no apparent way to make money and the time was ticking. I was almost 35.

Last May I decided to abandon the absurd practice of controlling/cultivating  violence through martial arts and started with Ashtanga yoga. I chose this practice because it is hard, there is not much talking and I love the aesthetics.

I started with the intention to pose solid foundation for what had to be the definitive practice of my life, which means I am going to be a student forever, and possibly become a teacher asap. Initially I had no connection with teachers, or with the lineage, but I knew that hard work and dedition would have opened the doors.

In fact this is what haappened.

I decided to spend a period in Slovenia (which is my partner’s home country) and attend a six-months intensive course of Ashtanga. In Ashtanga there are no certifications, and the timing to become a teacher is  undefinite, but I was confident.

I clicked almost suddenly with the teachers, a very nice couple with a small son, Leo. She is Slovenian and he is Italian, just like me and Andreja. They run together the studio and I love theit style of teaching which I find incredibly appropriate for my level.

Just before moving to Slovenia I quit my job as engineer in Milan. I initially had no real plan on how to carry on. I had some money in my bank account, not much but enough to pay the deposit for a morgage, hence I thougth: Dario, you have to set you priorities and build a headquarter where you can leave and make your business. I had to buy a place  where I could make a Yoga studio, a bed & breakfast and my residence – plus possibly a garden or a terrace. That was ambitious.

During the semester in Slovenia, and to be more precise in January 2016, I entered in a real estate agency on the Garda lake (a beutiful place close to where I live). I asked if for istance they had what I was looking for: a house to be renovated, with a lot of spaces, in a renowed location, for a ridicolous price.

The agent laughed at me, but after a while he said :”Maybe I have what is just right for you” and incredibly it was. That house he showed has three floors, plus a terrace with an amazing view. There are works to be done, but I knew I could make it, so I took it.

From that moment everything was just like saying: “You made the right thing, man”.

Here you have some picture of the house. I took them when I was with the previous owner. On April 13th the house will be mine, and I will start with the works right away.

I will report the progress of the works on this blog, so stay tuned!

In next post I will reveal my business plan, and the renovation project!

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Impromptu Wien

Sakyamuni was defenitely right, as always. He was beyond the truth.

The correct approach, the best attitude, is always the middle way. This sentence could sound pretty comfortable, but as often happens when is about Buddhism, things are not what they seem in the first place: apparently everything is just grounded in common sense, at the limits of obviousness, but as soon as we try to apply the Buddhist principles to our life they start showing their enormous depth and power.

In Buddhist phylosophy there is nobody else eccept yourself deemed to the judge, the accused and the jury. This is going to be complicated in the beginning. What really means practicing the middle way? I can just tell what is happening to me, and do not pretend to give an universal interpretation. If I would give a concise definition of the Buddhist approach, I would define it as a ruthlessly realistic analysis of the experience commonly called “life”. Since the outcome of this diagnosis is not really comfortable in the beginning, Sakyamuni teached his students to preserve the root spirit of the teachings, as the only real defense agaonst the twisted human ignorance, capable to distort every written word and incapable (in his original afflicted status) to focus  on the meaning of the words and not on the words themselves.

That’s why mind has to be trained: it must be trained because it can be trained. Our true nature is vacuity: this means that as we can trap ourselves in cages built by our twisted mind, we can also be the creators of our releasing. Vacuity is not good or bad, like energy is not good and bad. It can just be used to engage freedom and compassion or negativity and afflictions. The amazing thing is that we can master this. Which part of the mind is really” you? Is there a real “you”? I don’t know yet 🙂

That’s what I am going to find out. But still, being in the middle way means that on a relative level we are still living a normal life: having a job, maybe a family, and so on. So, once we see how important and profound the Dharma is, the main challenge for me is not to be 100% committed to it, but finding the balance with the normal life: for example having a job that gives me time enough to practice with diligence. Believe me: this may appear as a minor goal but is not. It is the result of an intense reflection and in my opinion this is the higher goal in life because is motivated by what I assume to be the best interest for myself and for the others.

Is there greater freedom than being able to be commited on our top priorities? I don’t think so. Of course this obliges to choose carefully our goals, but once we have understood what is really important in life being allowed to work seriously on this is the greater luxury, because it will bring the greater benefit. We can be convinced we are destined for something, but the truth is that without all the conditions we can have all the talent in the world, but our dreams will not become reality. That’s why creating the conditions is important as being ready for something.

Narrowing the field of our choices, establishing our top priorities, examining in detail the nature of our motivations, our thoughts, our emotions, our patterns. These are the keys for achieving the access to our new life, not following the caprices of our vagabond mind.

Somebody will not be happy of this. Your ego will not be happy. It will feel delimited in its potential, its choices. It will rebel against everything represents your new choices. But being dominated by ego is really happiness? If it would be so, what need should we have to search for truth? This is not heaven, and ego is just the momentary configuration of the effects of the forces which led us “to be us”. But this is just a lapse, a moment, and something still goes on. Something survives the aggregation of the elements, something survives “us” as persons. I still don’t know what this is for real, and if I will be able to go further with this researc, but I a firmly convinced this the real revolution both at personal and collective level. How can we help the others if we still have not found our way?

I know most of the people like me are just lost in life, but everybody should know that out there there are true masters and noble disciplines specifically made to drive us through the darkness to the light. So there is hope, don’t waste time, don’t procrastinate, follow your true practice, whatever it is and do it today. There is no more urgent thing than this, besides this you will find a way to do everything else is necessary in your material life.

Just breath.

 

 

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