The more this is right, the more seems wrong. Isn’t this a paradox?
My problem has nothing to do not with worldly achievements (or maybe yes) – I think am in peace with that – but I cannot bear the subtle feeling of being stuck exactly where I should be. What is a human being? Is it an independent being? and if not what is the nature of its dependence with other beings?
If we consider man as an independent being we should have no problems living in solitude for long years and accept ourselves as we are. This goes against the experience of everyone. We have to deduct we depend on each other, we depend on everything takes a part of universe. The infinity complex of this network is simply inintelligible. When – and if – we get a glimpse of lucidity we see an infinitesimal portion of it.
So we are what we perceive and also what we don’t. That’s why we have to develop trust in the skilled methods which allow us to proceed through darkness, or better to proceed through the dazzling splendor of life as blind men.
If we have been doing good in the past lives we may have for a limited time what Buddhism defines as a “precious human body”, which means we have ALL the conditions to work profitably on the spiritual and energetic path. This is just a potential of course and doesn’t mean it will happen by itself, but it’s the result of an infinte work.
Infinite work, acceptance and rejoicing of good conditions, releasing suffering and the causes of suffering, renunciation. These are the highest goals for us and the scariest words, something close to what Freud defined as the “depressive state”. But is it depressive?
I have to say that since I dedicated a bigger portion of my life to the spiritual path I have some problems integrating it with “normal” life, resulting in a slight depression which some days seems overwelming.
I have a big house in a beautiful place, a project. In some kind of way a career through yoga and spirituality is opening in front of me. I should be happy as a dog with a bone, but I also feel alone (I do not have a partner) and a drop out. The more I grow and expand, the more difficult is for me to find someone.
Also impermanence and its realization is changing my vision of relationships. Now I think it takes a lot of strength and courage to establish a relationship (let’s say marry someone) when you know since the beginning that the more you will feel happy, the more you will suffer when it’s over. At this stage it’s not about being happy, it’s about the meaning of all this.
Life it’s not made to be happy (at least now), but it can be meaningful and constructive for all the sentient beings and for our future lives – this is something that most of the people cannot honestly claim, and not because they are worst than us, it’s just not their time yet, as is not for us the time to harvest the splendid and precious flower of enlightment.
We do not have to trust our thoughts so blindly, not either our emotions. They are not us, they just come and go as the clouds in the sky and the waves in the see. The children in me does not show appreciation for the priceless and skilled human body, he wants more and more and in this way he will permanently be deluded and frustrated.
Isn’t this the root cause of unhappiness? Isn’t this being uncompassionate with ourselves?